Meltdown

This is a vent, pure and simple. I am not sure who I am more disappointed and mad at- myself or my husband. This is something I have to work out on my own. Hopefully it can be repaired but i have serious doubts.

We had a bad day on Saturday. Slowly thru the years I have accepted that he does not want to do anything I wanted to do- going to dinner, movies, shopping, walking in the woods, watching the same show on tv-- the list goes on. He wants me to go everywhere with him. And if we do go to the woods it is so he can hunt/fish or scout for hunting/ fishing

(I have faults-- I am neurotic, indecisive, randomly yell about things, and have ADD, among a long freaking list.)

So I was venting to Jenn in my room with Nikki's movie playing insanely loud.
1.I told him Nikki needed to pee, he ignored me and drove past two places for her to use the bathroom.
When I get annoyed with him about it he looks at me and said- "we are about five min from the island, she can go then." Something popped in my head. " She is two, if she has to pee then she has to pee now"
-"Oh. Well the store is about five min behind us."
"Just go to the island."
When he does get to the island he finds a store and parks as far as he can from the door. And just sits there. SO I have to get her out, get to the store, find the bathroom, and get back out to the truck weaving in and out of traffic.
Something else popped in my head.

2. He would not stop to let me take any photos of birds or anything. He kept telling me "at the next stop or when we drive back by"
He never stopped. Then after a mile past the birds he would remember and ask if I wanted him to turn around.
This is my thing-- if you don't remember the first time then I am not going to beg you to do something I want/need done. So of course I am going to say no.

3. When he did remember to stop, he bitched at me for getting out because Nikki fussed. I ignored him and commented that I needed a tripod. He kept griping about me getting out.

4. The Tripod Argument-- apparently all I need is a stick to shove up my camera.

I stopped speaking after that. On the way home, an hour later, Nikki kept saying she was hungry. He drove past everything and ignored us, she finally fell asleep. I know something blew out the side of my head. I kept quiet. I really struggle not to say evil, horrible things when I pissed so I get quiet.

I felt better after venting, Jenn was coming over. When she shows up he bolts to the bedroom and won't speak to anyone.
Jenn and I go to dinner with Nikki and I ask Donald if he wants anything, he will not look at me and tells me that is up to me.
Little bells go off in my head. He refuses to tell what was wrong, and then tells me that he prefers I go to dinner when I offered not to go. I pressed about what was wrong with him and he said "I don't air my dirty laundry in public"

So we came back and I made a grocery list (it's 7pm) and asked him if he needed anything in particular from the store. He got real irate that I was going to the store so late. (It's 7PM, seven!! Come On. Now I am going just to piss you off.)
So I asked if he was going to tell WTF his problem was-
"I heard what you said to Jenn."
"When? I said allot of crap to Jenn today"
"On the phone. I heard everything. Why were you being a bitch today?"

If you heard everything then you would know why I was being a bitch.
So I outlined everything for him. I told him I felt like an afterthought in this relationship, because he never does anything with me unless it has a motive for him. We don't go for boat rides just to spend time together, he offers a boat ride because the boat needs to be run. You will not date me, you tell me to go do all this stuff with my friends and then get jealous when I spend to much time with them. If I ask for help around the house you tell me flat out 'No, I am not doing that.'

This is his remark that caused my meltdown.
"You have all day to clean the house, I work all day and I am not doing any housework when I come home."--him
"even if I ask you for help?"--me
"Right. I don't feel like I have to help you with anything."--him
"So... I am your maid. And I don't the right to ask you for help with anything around the house"--me

He paused for a min and then said " yeah, that's right and you have no right telling people what goes on in the house"

Ha. i will vent to my blog, you just thought Jenn was public.

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I just froze inside, I have yet to thaw.
I feel that taking care of an ACTIVE, busy busy two year old, a busy 17 year old, all their medical paperwork, budgeting, bills, all donald's medical paperwork, divorce crap, cooking, cleaning, clothes, and grocery/ household shopping is just as hard as his job.
I am an accountant, chef, maid, launderer, taxi, lawyer etc.... but because he "works" for 8 hours 5 days a week he gets the right to watch tv all night and not lift a finger. Ever?

I hated myself then. That I could be with someone so self centered just made me sick. I love housework when I have someone I care for to help me clean. I have made every excuse in the book and then some as to why he will not help me.-but it boils down to this-- He wants me to stay home. I want to work. He refuses to "babysit" his daughter and when he does "babysit" her, my life becomes more annoying. Because I am at home I have to clean up after everybody. And take care of everything.
I despise cleaning by myself. Hate it. And I will not beg someone to keep me company. It is a pride thing.

Leaving is an expensive option that is not actually an option at this moment. But making sure the house is spotless is. And here is how I am making his life absolutely miserable.

The house is spotless. I vacuum, seep and mop everyday. All the clothes are put up. All the dishes are done. Dinner is cooked.
I am not speaking to him. I do not look at him. He is not allowed to touch me, kiss me, and absolutely no sex whatsoever.

That should just kill him. I have never withheld sex out of spite. Now I just feel disgusted, borderlines on hate. I wish to skip this step in grieving and just go to apathy.

We did go on a boat ride sunday, his way of trying to make up. I went on the ride, enjoyed it. And thanked him politely for the boat trip.
To little waaaaaaaay to freaking late.

Potty Trained

Potty Trained!!!!

It took three days to get our communication flowing correctly, so I understood what she was telling me and BAM! we are away from diapers.

Now for my revenge upon my husband, who stupidly told me since the day she was born that after she is potty trained he will be more involved with her. So I have 2 1/2 years of "Go ask your mama" when nikki needed anything saved up and ready to use.

So for the past 4 days I have been more myself, which means I am being...annoying... to live with because he has to help me cook and take care of Nikki and actually pay attention when I speak even if that includes me unplugging the TV.
Also I spent all of Saturday on a mental Internet vacation. I wasn't rude, I just was not in the same room as him and anyone else in the house. Nikki watched movies next to me and before I knew it I hadn't spoken to him since that morning and it was 8 at night.

Then Sunday came along and I had some little projects I needed to get done around the house so he had to watch her, if she came up to me asking for anything, I got it for her then barked at him to pay attention. His excuse was that she doesn't ask him for anything. I shot that down because he has not spent any effort in actually taking care of her aside from financally. He got pissed but it is the truth.

What I am actually doing is untraining him from the TV watching rut he is in. He has the old fashioned opinion that since he makes the money then he has the right to relax and watch TV all night. I explained(yelled) that I am not a whore, you cannot pay the bills and buy my stuff and expect me to just be "happy". I need a mental interaction with the person that is married to me. If he cannot supply that then we need to call it quits and I will have the custody papers in hand before we leave the house.
He suddenly understood that my friends are not "influencing" me to be angry with him, that is all on my own.