pppffffffffttttttttt

It has been way to long since I have posted anything.
I find myself wishing I had taken a different path many years ago and it is really grating on my mind. The what if's bear down and make life that should be happy almost saddening unbearable.
Let go and live, right? What you have now you should be able to accept and be happy. But the tears well up and just haunt right behind my eyes, close up my throat and make me want to scream. I wish I could split in two so the other me can run off and find her heart while this me would be happy without the what if's.

I hate depression.

Hy husband's head injury seemed to flutter away for awhile and now in the last week suddenly his short term memory is shot to hell again. And I mean 6 hours.
Everyday I have the same conversations with him, over a range of topics and each topic he will come to a different conclusion.
I caved after our last fight and bought a pack of cigs, it took two days before I would open them. I told him right off the bat so we could skip the whole "you betrayed me" accusations. The next day he found some butts I had in a cup (WTF was he looking in the bottom of a trash cup anyway) on the patio and he asked whose they were.
It suddenly dawned on me that I am having an affair with his alter ego. That is the only way I can explain how one day he is so accepting of things and the next day refuses to speak to me at all because he found out I am smoking again. And then he can;t understand why I am upset.
I am having a make believe relationship. You cannot remember day to day so what is the point of even trying. What is the point of even caring anymore? Why am I still here? Is it because I still care or is just fear of change?
Maybe if I start writing again i will feel better and get confusions out of my head.
So feel free to ignore the drama writing over the next month or so, I don't mind, I am trying to get the pathways in  my mind cleared so maybe I can think and remember clearly again.

Fair

I love the fair. Mainly for the rides and the adrenaline rush of spinning around upside down at night. It is just great to giggle that much while a kid a screaming next to you that he is going to be sick. I have also been know to howl throughout the entire ride. Make beeping noises when they go backwards, and only scream on the way down because I am actually screaming at the people standing around the ride.

Good times.

Nikki's medicine has sped her up so I am going to update more tomorrow!

Really? It's been a month??

It's been almost a month since I posted?? Holy cow.

In my drama style, I am feeling better and we are keeping the pace of having a grand fight on the 20th. It was stupid and buried under the rug (to fester)...:) Cig smoke still bothers me, and that is beyond aggravating.

Anyway- still working on the Driftwood artwork series. I have three more pieces and the next one will be the large pendulum piece. Now that I have figured out how to make if stable it will work so much better.

 

Don't mind the blinding white skin, even after tanning four times this year I am still pale as...well, a ghost. haha.

I dyed purple streaks in my hair.  I wanted them darker so they would be more distinct, this was a dyed twice job and while the are screaming purple, it just was not what I had in mind. I am going to try again in April.

My fabric!!!

My Awesome Book

 

This is the math book my mom found at the flea market. I bought them for her but they wound up being for me so she bought the radio for me. It is from 1877. It is 130 years old.

I love the tables and converstion charts. Everyday I find something new. And ironically, I absolutely suck at math, but after reviewing the basic section I was able to balance the checkbook today without a calculator. The rules and how the math is explained makes more sense then what I learned in school.

Fabric From Spoonflower

How awesome is this fabric??? It is hands down the perfect curtain for my kitchen.



This would be funny for my bathroom or as a skirt...I think they are called Lola skirts, all flowing and long. I used to call them hippie skirts. Think I will start working on how to sew one this month. I like gardening barefoot and having a long skirt just makes it much better.



This would be fun for Nikki for a dress since she ate her first plate of calamari this weekend!!

++++++++++++++++
So, I took a HUGE leap. I turned in one of my designs, tweaked it and bought a test swatch. If I like it then it will on to the site. I am crossing my fingers.

Two Weeks

In two weeks, give or take a few days, Feb 28th to be exact, will be one year of no smoking.

This has been some of the hardest months since I quit that I have gone thru. Cigarette smoke makes the cravings hit hard, so hard I get sick and start shaking. But I keep walking past where ever the smoke is stemming. Some days I cover my nose and mouth with my hand encased in my jacket sleeve.

I hold my breath.

I keep walking.

I feel like crying.

Finally, I am in my truck.

I turn the radio up as loud as my remaining speakers can handle it. I just sit and close my eyes.

Then I am better. I can concentrate, I can drive, and I can get far away from that damn intoxicating aroma.

It is not so much that I hate smoking or smokers, I feel just the opposite, they have the freedom to make the choice to smoke. I made the choice to quit. Now I am enforcing that choice and testing my will daily. I am not angry with smokers.

I am irritated that on my one year anniversary for my hospital stay, ironically- the pain meds is the reason I was able to quit, I could not feel the withdraws ; at the one year anniversary cigarettes are on my mind almost every single hour.

I cannot/will not smoke again because I cannot just smoke one or two cigarettes a day, I always move up to a full pack a day. I smoked for almost 10 years. I quit the day I found out I was pregnant, made it thru until it was late October of the year Nikki was born. Then postpartum hit, and the roller coaster of anger/sadness behind it. 11 Months for that time. I have to make it the year. If I can make it one year then I can make it 13 months, then 14...

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming....."