pppffffffffttttttttt

It has been way to long since I have posted anything.
I find myself wishing I had taken a different path many years ago and it is really grating on my mind. The what if's bear down and make life that should be happy almost saddening unbearable.
Let go and live, right? What you have now you should be able to accept and be happy. But the tears well up and just haunt right behind my eyes, close up my throat and make me want to scream. I wish I could split in two so the other me can run off and find her heart while this me would be happy without the what if's.

I hate depression.

Hy husband's head injury seemed to flutter away for awhile and now in the last week suddenly his short term memory is shot to hell again. And I mean 6 hours.
Everyday I have the same conversations with him, over a range of topics and each topic he will come to a different conclusion.
I caved after our last fight and bought a pack of cigs, it took two days before I would open them. I told him right off the bat so we could skip the whole "you betrayed me" accusations. The next day he found some butts I had in a cup (WTF was he looking in the bottom of a trash cup anyway) on the patio and he asked whose they were.
It suddenly dawned on me that I am having an affair with his alter ego. That is the only way I can explain how one day he is so accepting of things and the next day refuses to speak to me at all because he found out I am smoking again. And then he can;t understand why I am upset.
I am having a make believe relationship. You cannot remember day to day so what is the point of even trying. What is the point of even caring anymore? Why am I still here? Is it because I still care or is just fear of change?
Maybe if I start writing again i will feel better and get confusions out of my head.
So feel free to ignore the drama writing over the next month or so, I don't mind, I am trying to get the pathways in  my mind cleared so maybe I can think and remember clearly again.