OY

Holy cow, it has been crazy few months.
I finally broke down completely. In three weeks I moved out of our house. This time I left to escape the non stop drama that seems to follow us everywhere and anywhere we go. I just wanted to have peace and quiet. Which did not happen.
I have been shaking for about 8 months, due to stress and trying to hold myself together. I felt like a failure because I felt I could not measure up to other people that seem so blissfully content with family drama. I felt I could not do anything right, no matter how hard I tried, I felt guilt because I could not be who I thought I needed to be.
Guilt is something I am not accustomed to feeling. I do what I know is right therefore the little nagging thoughts of "what if's" could be ignored. I did not acknowledge anything that I felt was unsure. Doing that has buried allot of feelings and hurt way deep inside. It made me respond to situations differently and not honestly with myself.
I was not honest to myself.

I lied to myself.

I made myself feel different than what I would have naturally.

I fought my own nature.

I broke myself down.

2011 Hyundai Sonata

I got a new car. It is the first one in my life that is brand new. The other four vehicles were hand me downs from my mom. The newest one was a 1995 Mazda Protege. I am passing it down to my niece when she gets done with her finals for second year in college.

The new car is the 2011 Hyundai Sonata. I love it. It has A/C which I have not had in five years in the southeast Texas heat. All the speakers work! The windows roll down! And the trunk space is spectacular.The mileage is awesome for highway driving. Running errands in stop and go traffic isn't all the great but I am complaining about 31 MPG for stop and go traffic. I set the cruise and ECO button on highway.
The Sonata has Shiftronic which means I can put it into standard and city running I get about the same mileage doing 35 or 40 on the back roads.
It is comfortable on long trips. My mom, NikNak, and I went to Montana to visit family. From my mom's house to my aunt's house was 1790 miles. I spent 250 dollars in gas. Ninety percent of the trip was fighting northern wind and doing about 80 mph. I still got 35 mpg doing 80 mph uphill. I am very impressed with the takeoff and handling. The brakes respond amazingly, especially when NikNak took off her seat belt and tried to pop into the front seat while I was driving. She did not take her seat belt off again. :)
It handled the snow in Montana very well. Especially since I have never driven in snow before. Everything in and on the car is stock. Including tax,title, and license I paid under 22K. I am very glad I did not get the Turbo or my license would have been revoked by now. It hits 80 like nothing I have ever driven, except a friend's car which was a Pontiac 1996 or 97.
In two and a half months of owning this car I have seven thousand miles on it. I still love it. Even looking at it makes me grin and want to wash it.

Kanvus

I got a Kanvus art tablet to plug into my laptop. I love it allot. It has opened up quiet a few art doors for me to explore. And I don't have to worry about Nikki dumping my water out when I get up to do something else.

Time, and time again.

Nikki is growing up so fast it is unreal. She is cognitive enough that she can pick up the topic of an offhand conversation, figure out what you are talking about and call you out on it.

"When I was little we used to gum in the end of straws...."- my neighbor
" Don't finish that sentence!"- me
"Why? She isn't listening."- My husband.

I got nailed in the head with a rolled piece of paper projected thru a straw by my three year old.

I love dearly that she is so damn smart, but some days I wish she would slow down. Just a little bit and give me time to catch up. Or breathe.

Time to go go play. :)

Sleeping Warmly

Nikki is spending the night at her Grandma's tonight. I was going thru my photos and realized with a start that I miss her. This is the photo. She will not go to sleep without her Kitty. This is a rare photo since Donald got hurt. He stiffens up and gets extreme pain in his shoulders and arms when he stays still for a half hour. But he did not want to move because his baby girl was comfortable.