OY

Holy cow, it has been crazy few months.
I finally broke down completely. In three weeks I moved out of our house. This time I left to escape the non stop drama that seems to follow us everywhere and anywhere we go. I just wanted to have peace and quiet. Which did not happen.
I have been shaking for about 8 months, due to stress and trying to hold myself together. I felt like a failure because I felt I could not measure up to other people that seem so blissfully content with family drama. I felt I could not do anything right, no matter how hard I tried, I felt guilt because I could not be who I thought I needed to be.
Guilt is something I am not accustomed to feeling. I do what I know is right therefore the little nagging thoughts of "what if's" could be ignored. I did not acknowledge anything that I felt was unsure. Doing that has buried allot of feelings and hurt way deep inside. It made me respond to situations differently and not honestly with myself.
I was not honest to myself.

I lied to myself.

I made myself feel different than what I would have naturally.

I fought my own nature.

I broke myself down.