Friday, July 3, 2009

Randomized late night thoughts

Tonight must be the night to just type what is in my head. A little over a week ago a random quote came from (ironically) my own blog.

It is a quote from Lewis Carrol. Alice comes to a fork in the the road and asks the Chesire cat which one to take. He responded that it does not matter since she does not know where she is going.

The actual quote, not my abbrevated one, has been running thru my head everyday since I laid eyes on it. Tonight is is screaming for attention.

My subconsious is telling me to just go and do something. Stop trying to figure out what you should be and just be. Your job does not make you who you are, you make you who you are. Your hobbies are who you are.What you read, do, plan, create is what and who you are.

I had forgotton this over the last year or two. I am a wife and mom. I am also a gardener and artist. If I really want to do something then nothing is actually stopping me but my own inhibitions.

My stories for example- I should just finish the current one and self publish then sell it online. Ava will go to a regular publisher because the story- ha, book- is only a quarter done at 26K words.

Maybe I should be an online researcher. I can find thurough information within hours of a question and no less than a day. And not some little half ass one line answer, I double check everything and I read so fast and retain what I read it gets annoying when I hear someone talk about *random topic* and it takes a ton of will power to NOT butt in and give my informed two pence worth.

What is my mental issue with wanting approval but trying not to stand out? It is aggrevating as hell.

Now I am looking thru ads for real estate because the market is killer it seems and finding the right place is pretty easy. My only thing is comming up with the down payment and all that crap. I know it I can get two rent houses then I will be set on turning other ones or have the base to redo the hurricane ones that are selling for under 20K. And I could redo them cheaper than the going rate. I have it in my head, it is just figuring out how to balance raising my toddler and dealing with my husband, who is now the one breaking down.

He gave me the ok to file for disability on him. He is hurting that bad. He is getting worse by the day. So my hope is to get a decent paying job, beg and bribe family to care for Nikki and then have the down payment on the houses. Then I can get one or two more and have enough going that I can leave my job and concentrate on my family. Hopefully have all this done in six months. I do not think I will make it-- Murphy's Law.


  1. loved reading your post .My husband and I talked last night about "being Liked" I told him I thought it was no use to fight that felling as it is just human nature and a part of who most of us are and I do think most of us want to be liked and /or approved of = same thing ....So the thing is to figure out how to be who we are and "real and true" to that so we can really like ourselves just for who we are then we do not need to worry about the " approval or being liked " part because that will just come with the territory.

  2. I thought(allot) about what you said, and I would have to agree. It has taken time for me to like me again.

    Allot of that has to do with my artwork.I consider redoing my kitchen as a giant art project. I am absolutly in love with it and it makes me feel bright and fun when I am in there.
    It just makes me smile.