Meltdown

This is a vent, pure and simple. I am not sure who I am more disappointed and mad at- myself or my husband. This is something I have to work out on my own. Hopefully it can be repaired but i have serious doubts.

We had a bad day on Saturday. Slowly thru the years I have accepted that he does not want to do anything I wanted to do- going to dinner, movies, shopping, walking in the woods, watching the same show on tv-- the list goes on. He wants me to go everywhere with him. And if we do go to the woods it is so he can hunt/fish or scout for hunting/ fishing

(I have faults-- I am neurotic, indecisive, randomly yell about things, and have ADD, among a long freaking list.)

So I was venting to Jenn in my room with Nikki's movie playing insanely loud.
1.I told him Nikki needed to pee, he ignored me and drove past two places for her to use the bathroom.
When I get annoyed with him about it he looks at me and said- "we are about five min from the island, she can go then." Something popped in my head. " She is two, if she has to pee then she has to pee now"
-"Oh. Well the store is about five min behind us."
"Just go to the island."
When he does get to the island he finds a store and parks as far as he can from the door. And just sits there. SO I have to get her out, get to the store, find the bathroom, and get back out to the truck weaving in and out of traffic.
Something else popped in my head.

2. He would not stop to let me take any photos of birds or anything. He kept telling me "at the next stop or when we drive back by"
He never stopped. Then after a mile past the birds he would remember and ask if I wanted him to turn around.
This is my thing-- if you don't remember the first time then I am not going to beg you to do something I want/need done. So of course I am going to say no.

3. When he did remember to stop, he bitched at me for getting out because Nikki fussed. I ignored him and commented that I needed a tripod. He kept griping about me getting out.

4. The Tripod Argument-- apparently all I need is a stick to shove up my camera.

I stopped speaking after that. On the way home, an hour later, Nikki kept saying she was hungry. He drove past everything and ignored us, she finally fell asleep. I know something blew out the side of my head. I kept quiet. I really struggle not to say evil, horrible things when I pissed so I get quiet.

I felt better after venting, Jenn was coming over. When she shows up he bolts to the bedroom and won't speak to anyone.
Jenn and I go to dinner with Nikki and I ask Donald if he wants anything, he will not look at me and tells me that is up to me.
Little bells go off in my head. He refuses to tell what was wrong, and then tells me that he prefers I go to dinner when I offered not to go. I pressed about what was wrong with him and he said "I don't air my dirty laundry in public"

So we came back and I made a grocery list (it's 7pm) and asked him if he needed anything in particular from the store. He got real irate that I was going to the store so late. (It's 7PM, seven!! Come On. Now I am going just to piss you off.)
So I asked if he was going to tell WTF his problem was-
"I heard what you said to Jenn."
"When? I said allot of crap to Jenn today"
"On the phone. I heard everything. Why were you being a bitch today?"

If you heard everything then you would know why I was being a bitch.
So I outlined everything for him. I told him I felt like an afterthought in this relationship, because he never does anything with me unless it has a motive for him. We don't go for boat rides just to spend time together, he offers a boat ride because the boat needs to be run. You will not date me, you tell me to go do all this stuff with my friends and then get jealous when I spend to much time with them. If I ask for help around the house you tell me flat out 'No, I am not doing that.'

This is his remark that caused my meltdown.
"You have all day to clean the house, I work all day and I am not doing any housework when I come home."--him
"even if I ask you for help?"--me
"Right. I don't feel like I have to help you with anything."--him
"So... I am your maid. And I don't the right to ask you for help with anything around the house"--me

He paused for a min and then said " yeah, that's right and you have no right telling people what goes on in the house"

Ha. i will vent to my blog, you just thought Jenn was public.

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I just froze inside, I have yet to thaw.
I feel that taking care of an ACTIVE, busy busy two year old, a busy 17 year old, all their medical paperwork, budgeting, bills, all donald's medical paperwork, divorce crap, cooking, cleaning, clothes, and grocery/ household shopping is just as hard as his job.
I am an accountant, chef, maid, launderer, taxi, lawyer etc.... but because he "works" for 8 hours 5 days a week he gets the right to watch tv all night and not lift a finger. Ever?

I hated myself then. That I could be with someone so self centered just made me sick. I love housework when I have someone I care for to help me clean. I have made every excuse in the book and then some as to why he will not help me.-but it boils down to this-- He wants me to stay home. I want to work. He refuses to "babysit" his daughter and when he does "babysit" her, my life becomes more annoying. Because I am at home I have to clean up after everybody. And take care of everything.
I despise cleaning by myself. Hate it. And I will not beg someone to keep me company. It is a pride thing.

Leaving is an expensive option that is not actually an option at this moment. But making sure the house is spotless is. And here is how I am making his life absolutely miserable.

The house is spotless. I vacuum, seep and mop everyday. All the clothes are put up. All the dishes are done. Dinner is cooked.
I am not speaking to him. I do not look at him. He is not allowed to touch me, kiss me, and absolutely no sex whatsoever.

That should just kill him. I have never withheld sex out of spite. Now I just feel disgusted, borderlines on hate. I wish to skip this step in grieving and just go to apathy.

We did go on a boat ride sunday, his way of trying to make up. I went on the ride, enjoyed it. And thanked him politely for the boat trip.
To little waaaaaaaay to freaking late.

Gator

This is Gator. He is Rhodesian Ridgeback / tenasee curr hound according to his paperwork from the Humane Socity.
When I walked in there the lady asked me what I was looking for and I told her a large dog. She said "oh thank god. Everyone wants a little dog and our big dogs get looked over"
We (my stepson came with) looked at all the dogs and Gator just struck my heart. We brought Sirus (our red doberman) to see if they would get along. They did and we signed the paperwork and tried to bring him home. He had never ridden in truck cab before and I had to wrestle an 75lb dog inside a truck.

The lady told me his story. Gator had been dumped behind a vets office, beaten so badly he could not move on his own. He spent a month at the vets office before he was well enough to be taken to the human socity. He had three days left before he would be put to sleep. He was cris crossed with scars and on his back left leg was a clear scar of a ] , it was from a 2x4 that he had been beaten. And his cellmate attacked him and his neck was cut open.

When he came home in 2005 he stayed in my bedroom for a week. Then he lurked in my hallway for two weeks. Everytime i looked over he was just staring with those eyes that had the wairness. We could not get him to come near us while in the house. And if he was sleeping on the floor and you stepped over him he would freak out, growling and trying to plaster himself into a corner. He would not eat if you were watching. It took weeks of intensive just sitting near him and talking to him. And I hand to use my hand with wide gestures so he would get used to us being loud.
The first time we took him to the creek where we go swimming during the summer, he refused to get out of the truck. He was shaking and I had to use all my strength to pull him out. He kept trying to run back to the truck. He thought we were dumping him.
Then we got to the water and he bacame his namesake. He swam and swam and swam, they he found that he could dig in the sand and roll around and noone yelled at him for it. We took him everyday that summer.

Now, four years later, he will sleep in the bed- hogging a pillow, because he has to sleep with a pillow when he is inside. I have tripped on him when he is laying down and he will not budge. He just cracks an eye open and looks at me like "duh". He dances during dinner. Nikki would sit on his neck and clunk his head with her toys and he did not care. She brings her tea sets over him and dresses him on necklaces and clothes. He takes it all in stride. And now I hook up a harness to have him pull her wagon during walks. It helps with his mobility to get fluid moving to his joints.
At a minimum he weighs 80-90 lbs, it is like having a person in bed, and he does not move when you try to roll over. His arthritis is very bad during the cold, and he has tumors all over as a direct result from the abuse he recived. He smells horrible, even after two or three baths. He does not listen, and can flatten a 20$ decrative plant in no time. I still connot get him to sit.
But he is a scary dog when people come over and it is just me an Nikki. I have to walk ppl in and out of the yard so he leaves them alone. But when he is out and about he has good behavior. Considering the gang tagging is getting closer to the house every year I am grateful to my nuerotic rescue dogs. They love us to death for giving them a chance and I love them for keeping people nervous and keeping me company during the day.

Driftwood art

I was taking pics of the artpiece below and found that I could capture part of my reflection without the flash and it looked fairly neat.


This is the first piece of a new series of my driftwood art with steampunk flair. I really like this piece and will probably steal it back from my mom. She thinks it is good enough to have a show at the Museum of southeast texas. I need to finish at least five or six more pieces which means I need to find older wind up clocks to destroy.


Yes this is my photo, wanna take a guess where I was on saturday?? We crossed the bridge to go "bait catching" (it was a wash BTW) and we noticed the barges being pushed out of the shipping canal that were not in the cluster of ships.
Oh holy crap. One ship hit the pier then hit the barge that was docked, and then for whatever reason ANOTHER ship hit the first two.
So oil was spilled. the national news says 450,000 but our local says 40,000. But they will not report what the barge was carrying. And they had to evac Pt. Arthur for a day.
I have been checking to see if any wildlife has been affected so I can go help if they need volenteers.

Judd

This is Judd. He is a Redbone Coonhound. We think he is fullblooded. A friend of ours brought him to us after he rescued him from his cousin. Judd was in a 6x6 pen with no shelter, no food, no water. He was in inches of mud and poo. Our friend had Judd for about a month before he came to live with us.
We had him inside for about 5 min to see if he was ok with Nikki (he was 7 months old and she was 18 months old) and he guarded her from the cat and our other dogs. So we kept him since Gator is getting older he is not as fast guarding the yard.
Because of the filth that Judd was in he was in poor poor shape. We could see all his ribs and spine. He had the wariness that severly abused dogs get after too long. He had a hard time bonding with any of us. We still have issues we are working on.

Now a year later he is a little more filled out, his metabolism is incredibly fast. Which is what saved him last week.
Ivamec is the pestiside that is used to heartguard, ivomec, ivamectrim etc. Same ingredent, different name. I have never had any problems giving my dogs Ivamec, because they are large dogs, it would cost 60$ a month just for heartguard. Judd has never had it but is heartworm free (somehow) and I was able to get the meds to give it to the dogs. I gave each one a third of the dose.
Ranger and Gator who both have heartworms were fine. Judd had a reaction which is the first time I have had a dog have a bad reaction. Everything hinged on his metabolism, if he could get it out of his system fast enough then he would survive.

Ivamec attacks the neurologic of worms and other pests in the animals body. It does not kill the adult heartworms, it only kills the juvenile heart worms and all the rest of the round, long, whip worms. The adults die of old age eventually and hopefully decompose etc.

Now if your dog is the 1 in 1000( or collies) who is missing a certain gene that protects the brain from crap that is in the blood then that dog with have an almost fatal reaction to the pesticide.(sometimes it is fatal)

The blood brain barrier failed and the ivamec affected his brain/respitory. He could not eat or drink. He gasped for air. His eyes were dialted black and if he stood his legs were splayed out for balance. On the third day I pried his jaws open and spooned water into him. I got about a cup and half in him. It was enough to help him a little bit. I fed him macaroni on the fourth day and spooned more water in him. After that he seemed to get better.
This was all 10 days ago, he is almost back to normal. He is running around, and tried to climb the fence to get the meter man. He eats every night and got a bath today.

Kitty

One of my Sunday projects was to clean off my kitchen table so I can start back with my art projects again.

My cat, Kitty , helped me by supervising. She is named Kitty because she does not respond to anything else. We named her about 10 different names, nothing would get her attention. She is five. A friend of mine found the litter under her house after the mom was hit and killed on the road. The kittens were about 4 days old and she bottle fed all of them. I originally went to get the black kitten but she chirped at me when I spoke so she came home.

Potty Trained

Potty Trained!!!!

It took three days to get our communication flowing correctly, so I understood what she was telling me and BAM! we are away from diapers.

Now for my revenge upon my husband, who stupidly told me since the day she was born that after she is potty trained he will be more involved with her. So I have 2 1/2 years of "Go ask your mama" when nikki needed anything saved up and ready to use.

So for the past 4 days I have been more myself, which means I am being...annoying... to live with because he has to help me cook and take care of Nikki and actually pay attention when I speak even if that includes me unplugging the TV.
Also I spent all of Saturday on a mental Internet vacation. I wasn't rude, I just was not in the same room as him and anyone else in the house. Nikki watched movies next to me and before I knew it I hadn't spoken to him since that morning and it was 8 at night.

Then Sunday came along and I had some little projects I needed to get done around the house so he had to watch her, if she came up to me asking for anything, I got it for her then barked at him to pay attention. His excuse was that she doesn't ask him for anything. I shot that down because he has not spent any effort in actually taking care of her aside from financally. He got pissed but it is the truth.

What I am actually doing is untraining him from the TV watching rut he is in. He has the old fashioned opinion that since he makes the money then he has the right to relax and watch TV all night. I explained(yelled) that I am not a whore, you cannot pay the bills and buy my stuff and expect me to just be "happy". I need a mental interaction with the person that is married to me. If he cannot supply that then we need to call it quits and I will have the custody papers in hand before we leave the house.
He suddenly understood that my friends are not "influencing" me to be angry with him, that is all on my own.

Funny

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Happy New Year/Camping trip

First and foremost Happy New Year to all. For most if not all this last year was hard. I am hoping that this year will be better. If not dramatically then in little things. It is the little things that make people break down.

On to a brighter note, I was talked in to a camping trip to the lake for a few days. Normally I am the one harping to go camping but since Nikki came along I would not go camping just for the fact that the nearest phone is 25 miles down unlighted, pot holed filled National Forest Roads. And that is not a town. It is a station that doesn't sell gas. No, our cell phones don't work there.

The dog, Ranger, used to get car sick when he was a puppy. After two hours riding in the backseat on top of out pillows and blankets he yaked. I heard Nikki shriek and reached back there to comfort her and encountered warm slime. Nikki was up against the window and side of her car seat, trying desperately to undo her harness. I got her calmed down, and the car seat cleaned up, and two pillows and two blankets.
Out of our three dogs he was the best choice, Judd is too aggressive with strangers and Gator doesn't listen, for anything.

I got Donald a HUGE new tent. It sleeps 7 with storage space, 9 feet by 13 feet. So if is raining nonstop my toddler has room to be herself with her stuff and my stuff, which it was raining and the temp was dropping. So we got everything unpacked and out new tent set up and ready to go.

DJ insisted on bringing his tent and setting it up for himself and Ranger. He is seventeen so I can understand not wanting to sleep in the same tent as your parents and little sister. He is allot more polite about it then I would have been when I was seventeen. Because of the rain and some depression under his tent the water soaked his blankets, pillows, and sleeping bag.

Nikki talked to me in the dark for an hour and a half. Just when I thought she was asleep and I would doze off......MAMA! And she would start talking and telling me stories in her way ( allot of hand gestures and sounds) for another 20 min or so. It was really cute and sweet.

It was 29 degrees in the morning. I went thru allot of wood for the fire. I was burn happy. We went for walks up and down the trails. DJ showed me a hickory tree that took two people to wrap their arms around. Nikki learned to be a bear by going up to small trees and pushing against them like bears do. We went down to the lake to throw rocks and find snail shells.

Hunting was a bust because crews were out there looking for oil. They were drilling and setting off dynamite to get seismic readings. The deer were only nocturnal.
We caught four catfish.

I saw the moon rise over the lake, huge and red each night. The moon was so bright after the first rainy night it was like having a street light over the tent. I woke up early each morning and would have the moon to my back illuminating the woods and watch over the lake and see the sun rise. It was picture perfect. It was calming and inspiring.

Speaking of...where are the photos you ask. My camera died the second photo I took. I wanted to die. I was so looking forward to taking pictures. Of everything.

We watched Bald Eagles play over the trees and water and call out to each other. Nikki chased grasshoppers in the grass. Played with water bugs and yelled at owls at night.

We had no electronic anything. Everything was by firelight and Coleman stove/heater. I wanted to collect twigs and make birdhouses and live there forever.

If it was not for my husband I would prefer to live life without a TV. I got dirty looks for that statement. I would miss my Internet but I could live happily without it. Sorry Internet, I am not as obsessed as I thought. *grins*

Here is a link to where we were---

http://www.toledo-bend.com/national-forest/index.asp?request=ragtown

It is quiet and cheap and has showers and toilets. The trails are clean and the wildlife is there, the armadillo wandering thru camp is testimony to that, DJ hard to get up and shoo it away. We even had little light green birds EVERYWHERE. They looked like the wind blew the rest of the leaves out of the trees. Until some blew into the camp and the leaves had eyes. They ate every single bug they found and then some. It was totally awesome.