One year Ago

One year ago, I felt sick.

One year ago, I weighed 230 plus lbs, size 18(stained).

One year ago, I had stomach pains after eating or picking up anything more than 5 lbs.

One year ago, I was hours from death, my kidneys were shutting down, my liver was shutting down. I acutely wanted to die to escape the pain. My gallbladder had stones and one slipped over to my pancreas to clog a duct. I had acute pancreatitus and gallbladder inflammation. I threw up green ooze, morphine helped for 15 min and I was screaming again. I had one surgery to unclog my pancreas, then another surgery to remove my gallbladder. Which caused my pancreas to flare up again.
I spent 8 days in the hospital, had four docs tell me three different things, and none connected after 3 days that I was going to freak out because my antidepressants wore off. I had an intravenous shot every three hours of Duladin (strong pain killer) for 8 days.


Outcome in a year- I have lost 37 lbs, down to a 12 (I fit into a 10 yesterday!!!!) My cycles are regular for the first time in my life. (TMI!!) I can run/jog for 5 min without throwing up and almost blacking out. It took six months to reconnect my brain on how to cook-- for whatever reason the massive painkillers scrambled up allot of stuff, it took allot of hard work and tears because I kept burning things and forgetting damn near everything.
Unfortunately, not having a gallbladder means I had to adjust my eating habits. The doctors or anyone else in my life forgot to say that any fresh fruit or vegetables will shoot thru you at the speed of light. Caffeine, sugar, salt, dairy, anything with spices had the same effect. During the summer I lost allot of nutrtion and felt very sick again. But I figured out what was wrong and adjusted my eating again and rather pissed off about it.

The art in my head finally found a way out. It filled my house and is currently in suspension due mainly to the fact we have to level the kitchen before I can finish the cabinets and east wall. The plaster cracking is driving me insane.

I am just being lazy on my cabinet in the bathroom.I am mainly stalled on that because I cannot get my copper plate (17 gauge) to make the sink, and I don't want to work on the rest of it until I have my sink.

I have drawn and redrawn lines in the sand with my husband. He used to be the dominate force in the house and the roles have switched. I am resentful that I feel like I am the only adult. But I don't work. It is an annoying contradiction that I think 90% of women would give their left arm to have this situation. It still irritates me.
I have learned that jewelry gets on my nerves because for the amount he spent on the necklace I could have gotten 1.7 carats of London blue saffires and 3 ounces of silver. Just get me the raw materials and I will be a happy, happy girl. For months!! So we have an understanding for Valentines day this year-- he takes me out to dinner this weekend so we don't have to deal with the crowds next weekend. But I get him tools and he gets me the tools for the jewelry/metalworking that I need/desire/ desperately wish to own. And he gives me two IOUs for the rose plants I want to replace the ones my {idiot} dogs destroyed.

In a year we have fought more than in the last 10, we have missed each other more than when I was stuck in MT an extra week due the cat attack in 08. And we are in the same house. We have both changed severely and rapidly and have yet to know if the changes will break us or not. Hopefully not. Even at my angriest I still feel hopeful about the future. Odd, considering I used to be the most pessimistic/ sarcastic person and now a chirpy abit sarcastic/bitchy cheerleader is pushing her way into my psyche.

But yet, I feel that we will be fine. My artwork, while self taught, will continue to improve. My daughter will grow faster than I can keep up. My stepson will demand to be treated like an adult ... until I hand him rent notice. Sorry dude, adults pay bills, you want freedom, I want my cable paid. My husband will be the same, I think surgery will have to be an option. His head aches are coming back rather hard.

Wow, I actually yawned. I think it is time.

Truce

It is better. For now.

I am still keeping the house clean but only because they are doing their part. None of the stuff is laying around, no muddy boots, no clothes, all work/school stuff is put up and the dishes are being rinsed off and neatly stacked in the sink.

I feel like I am in the twilight zone. Sadly, now that the house is clean my mind is a little less uncluttered. I am slowly setting a routine for the day. Anyone who knows me, knows i cannot keep a routine to save my life. I cannot even fold my clothes the same way twice.

He is paying closer attention and pulling himself out of his depression. Maybe this crappy horrid weekend is what we needed to snap the relationship back onto track and out of the mire it was in. Or maybe it is a stalemate.Maybe this is just relationship normalacy.
He took me driftwood hunting twice, and found some awesome pieces that were part of an anthill-- the ants actually destroyed the tree from the inside out. The bark was intact but the inside was nothing but tunnels.

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I am still angry deep down, he says he doesn't mean what he said but that does not stop the high irritation, hurt and anger. It just cycles round. Most days I ignore it. Is that repressing it or is that delusional emotional therapy? He prolly feels the same.
Enough. My daughter is more important than either of us, she needs me home so she is not stuck in an overpriced, MRSA filled daycare. I have decided that I am going to keep it clean for her and I.

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My comp was frying slowly and surely down the drain. It took 15 min to start up and 10 min to shut down. I did not have the time to try and uninstall my OS and reinstall. Mainly because I have no clue as to what I would be doing and i have way to much other stuff to go on during the day/night to try it. My mom took it over and I asked her to keep it another day or two while the weather sucked arse.
When I went out there today she showed me what she had done. Not only wiped it clean but bought windows 7 for me and had it up and installed. I was just shocked and out of my skin happy.
I am using FireFox instead of IE8. It is less cluttered. Windows 7 is much simpler and has allot less crap programs so it can give me room to buy the art programs I want instead of having to use the freeware. Art Rage is awesome. I tried the demo and just love the hell out of it. For my birthday I am going to get a Bamboo to use for painting and sketching.(hopefully)

Thanks you for your comments on my last post. For the Hugs and the DUH reality check.

Meltdown

This is a vent, pure and simple. I am not sure who I am more disappointed and mad at- myself or my husband. This is something I have to work out on my own. Hopefully it can be repaired but i have serious doubts.

We had a bad day on Saturday. Slowly thru the years I have accepted that he does not want to do anything I wanted to do- going to dinner, movies, shopping, walking in the woods, watching the same show on tv-- the list goes on. He wants me to go everywhere with him. And if we do go to the woods it is so he can hunt/fish or scout for hunting/ fishing

(I have faults-- I am neurotic, indecisive, randomly yell about things, and have ADD, among a long freaking list.)

So I was venting to Jenn in my room with Nikki's movie playing insanely loud.
1.I told him Nikki needed to pee, he ignored me and drove past two places for her to use the bathroom.
When I get annoyed with him about it he looks at me and said- "we are about five min from the island, she can go then." Something popped in my head. " She is two, if she has to pee then she has to pee now"
-"Oh. Well the store is about five min behind us."
"Just go to the island."
When he does get to the island he finds a store and parks as far as he can from the door. And just sits there. SO I have to get her out, get to the store, find the bathroom, and get back out to the truck weaving in and out of traffic.
Something else popped in my head.

2. He would not stop to let me take any photos of birds or anything. He kept telling me "at the next stop or when we drive back by"
He never stopped. Then after a mile past the birds he would remember and ask if I wanted him to turn around.
This is my thing-- if you don't remember the first time then I am not going to beg you to do something I want/need done. So of course I am going to say no.

3. When he did remember to stop, he bitched at me for getting out because Nikki fussed. I ignored him and commented that I needed a tripod. He kept griping about me getting out.

4. The Tripod Argument-- apparently all I need is a stick to shove up my camera.

I stopped speaking after that. On the way home, an hour later, Nikki kept saying she was hungry. He drove past everything and ignored us, she finally fell asleep. I know something blew out the side of my head. I kept quiet. I really struggle not to say evil, horrible things when I pissed so I get quiet.

I felt better after venting, Jenn was coming over. When she shows up he bolts to the bedroom and won't speak to anyone.
Jenn and I go to dinner with Nikki and I ask Donald if he wants anything, he will not look at me and tells me that is up to me.
Little bells go off in my head. He refuses to tell what was wrong, and then tells me that he prefers I go to dinner when I offered not to go. I pressed about what was wrong with him and he said "I don't air my dirty laundry in public"

So we came back and I made a grocery list (it's 7pm) and asked him if he needed anything in particular from the store. He got real irate that I was going to the store so late. (It's 7PM, seven!! Come On. Now I am going just to piss you off.)
So I asked if he was going to tell WTF his problem was-
"I heard what you said to Jenn."
"When? I said allot of crap to Jenn today"
"On the phone. I heard everything. Why were you being a bitch today?"

If you heard everything then you would know why I was being a bitch.
So I outlined everything for him. I told him I felt like an afterthought in this relationship, because he never does anything with me unless it has a motive for him. We don't go for boat rides just to spend time together, he offers a boat ride because the boat needs to be run. You will not date me, you tell me to go do all this stuff with my friends and then get jealous when I spend to much time with them. If I ask for help around the house you tell me flat out 'No, I am not doing that.'

This is his remark that caused my meltdown.
"You have all day to clean the house, I work all day and I am not doing any housework when I come home."--him
"even if I ask you for help?"--me
"Right. I don't feel like I have to help you with anything."--him
"So... I am your maid. And I don't the right to ask you for help with anything around the house"--me

He paused for a min and then said " yeah, that's right and you have no right telling people what goes on in the house"

Ha. i will vent to my blog, you just thought Jenn was public.

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I just froze inside, I have yet to thaw.
I feel that taking care of an ACTIVE, busy busy two year old, a busy 17 year old, all their medical paperwork, budgeting, bills, all donald's medical paperwork, divorce crap, cooking, cleaning, clothes, and grocery/ household shopping is just as hard as his job.
I am an accountant, chef, maid, launderer, taxi, lawyer etc.... but because he "works" for 8 hours 5 days a week he gets the right to watch tv all night and not lift a finger. Ever?

I hated myself then. That I could be with someone so self centered just made me sick. I love housework when I have someone I care for to help me clean. I have made every excuse in the book and then some as to why he will not help me.-but it boils down to this-- He wants me to stay home. I want to work. He refuses to "babysit" his daughter and when he does "babysit" her, my life becomes more annoying. Because I am at home I have to clean up after everybody. And take care of everything.
I despise cleaning by myself. Hate it. And I will not beg someone to keep me company. It is a pride thing.

Leaving is an expensive option that is not actually an option at this moment. But making sure the house is spotless is. And here is how I am making his life absolutely miserable.

The house is spotless. I vacuum, seep and mop everyday. All the clothes are put up. All the dishes are done. Dinner is cooked.
I am not speaking to him. I do not look at him. He is not allowed to touch me, kiss me, and absolutely no sex whatsoever.

That should just kill him. I have never withheld sex out of spite. Now I just feel disgusted, borderlines on hate. I wish to skip this step in grieving and just go to apathy.

We did go on a boat ride sunday, his way of trying to make up. I went on the ride, enjoyed it. And thanked him politely for the boat trip.
To little waaaaaaaay to freaking late.

Tests in Houston

Donald had to go in for a nueropsych evaluation (NPE). I did not look up the process because I did not want to arm him in anyway so the test results would be natural.
After 45 min of paperwork he went into the room and I stayed in the reception area with my jewelry stuff to stay busy and quiet. After 2 1/2 hours I hear a clunk and then the door slammed open with Donald barking out that he is taking a break.

It took at least 20 min to talk him down and convince him that he needed to finish the test. I was concerned that he was just going to leave, which would mean that we would have to go threw this again.

After an hour or so he was done. And was a crabass the entire way home. Which in houston 5 pm traffic is god awful. It took 30 min to travel 5 miles on the highway. After we finally found the highway.
The correct highway.
And turning left does not mean that you are going left.
Nothing is labeled.
Including the lanes. I decided I need a sticker on my door that says "Passenger does not have any influence on the driver"

It was a wierd ride home.

AH HA!!!!!!

YEA!!!!

My mom's husband found a site that had the inverter board for 27$ plus 9$ for shipping.
And after watching my computer being disected then put back together I did not have to bring it back out there for him to put the board in. (Yup, I am bragging:)

I was busy during my interent vacation.







I learned to work with copper and how to solder. I learned to treat the copper with heat to make the colors come out and as long as I seal the copper the colors will not change.
The clorine in tap water accelerates the copper to change color. Outside copper take years to go thru all the color changes, in the bathroom it will take about a year to turn black.
Mom got me some new jewelry supplies which sparked my jewelry bug. So now I am on that kick for awhile. I had almost given up on the chandiler for the bathroom but then found an awsome new website that sells copper, bronze and brass. So I can get all the stuff I need to make the various things for the house.And I looked up how to make a mini forge to I spend less on gas to heat the metal. But I need to get an anvil.
Ultimatly I would love to make a fence for my gardens out of the swirled copper and other metal.

Donald seems to be getting worse, his depression is deepening and he get irrational about bizarre things.
The other night we got into a tiff because I did not write on the note i left where I had gone. I was mad at him so yes, I left that info out, but I have my cellphone on me so all he has to do was call. And he did.
then it just escalated, mainly focused that I take everything he says wrong, and there is something else wrong with me. Then he told me that after the beginning of the year I can pack my crap and we will go our separeate ways.
The next day he apologized, we have been fine so far.
I know it is from the head injury. If his behavior was like this and he had never been injured, I would be gone. But I feel so bad wanting to leave because he needs the emotional support to try and get him thru this time.
I feel sad, so I turn to my artwork to cope. Hopefully, I will get better with my artwork.
Now I just need to learn about petina and acid washes and I will be a happy happy camper.

Cycling

My relationship moves in a cycle. Star and I sat and hashed it out. It was eye opening and irratating. Eye opening because I said things out loud that I normally bury deep into my brain.
The cycle moves like this. We get along great for awhile to a long time due to the fact I ignore certain behaviors and don't say what is on my mind. Translation-- I am not honest. He hides behind his rudness by saying he is honest. But when I am honest, I was informed that something was wrong with me because I am not happy staying at home. (stagnanting) He claimed later that he said that in anger.

Two weeks ago i informed him that if we have another shitty weekend then I would be staying every weekend at my mothers from now on. Friday to sunday Nikki and I would have art retreats to my moms. His behavior changed.

I was giving it three weeks.

It took 6 days.

Tonight I found out my ex-step-grandfather is on a ventilator and has days or weeks left. I have not seen him in 15 years but I liked him and his family allot when I visited them for a month.

I went to my husband for comfort and everything was going well until he made the comment- we really don't have the money for you to go- I snapped at him that I knew that and it really sucked I didn'[t have the money to go see a dying family memeber. He then snatched his hand from me and snapped back that I just need to do whatever the hell I want. And he is tired of my attitude.

So now I was shocked because he is acting like an asshole and accusing me of having an attitude. Yes, I snapped. But did it not accure to him for a min or a nanosecond that I was mad that yet another family member is dying and I cannot go see them.
The fight escalated, and it got turned to him being tired of me being a bitch and he does not feel like putting up with my attitude. So I gathered up my child and told him I am sorry for being such a bitch then walked out. I made sure everylight in the house was on and I did my dishes. Noisily.

So the Passive Aggressive fun starts.

Losing it

Ah ha. I have slightly lost it. Not that I really had my marbles together to begin with but I am slipping down a slope to be cliche.
Everything my family does is grating on nerves that do not exist. one part of my mind is screaming "WTF are you doing?" while I am freaking out because my husband failed to fill the ice tray yet again. Not that it is empty per say, there are technically four ice cubes left. But after a tempermental toddler all day, a bathroom that is taking way to long because again I have a tempermental toddler, and cleaning.
No time to myself. And I am tired of crap. On some levels I cannot wait for hunting season to begin so they will leave for the weekend so I can detox.
Logically this is a reaction to the last 18 months of stress and worry. Mentally worn down.
Illogically everything is pissing me off. Donald tries to so something nice and it is not good enough. I am picking at it or he is not doing it my way. I am watching myself become a control freak. And bitter. I really cannot think of time that I have felt bitter like this.
He does not remember much, so am I destroying my relationship or does it not affect him because there is no short term memory and long term is shot to hell too? Maybe I just need a couple of days to unglue and then I will feel better.