Two Weeks

In two weeks, give or take a few days, Feb 28th to be exact, will be one year of no smoking.

This has been some of the hardest months since I quit that I have gone thru. Cigarette smoke makes the cravings hit hard, so hard I get sick and start shaking. But I keep walking past where ever the smoke is stemming. Some days I cover my nose and mouth with my hand encased in my jacket sleeve.

I hold my breath.

I keep walking.

I feel like crying.

Finally, I am in my truck.

I turn the radio up as loud as my remaining speakers can handle it. I just sit and close my eyes.

Then I am better. I can concentrate, I can drive, and I can get far away from that damn intoxicating aroma.

It is not so much that I hate smoking or smokers, I feel just the opposite, they have the freedom to make the choice to smoke. I made the choice to quit. Now I am enforcing that choice and testing my will daily. I am not angry with smokers.

I am irritated that on my one year anniversary for my hospital stay, ironically- the pain meds is the reason I was able to quit, I could not feel the withdraws ; at the one year anniversary cigarettes are on my mind almost every single hour.

I cannot/will not smoke again because I cannot just smoke one or two cigarettes a day, I always move up to a full pack a day. I smoked for almost 10 years. I quit the day I found out I was pregnant, made it thru until it was late October of the year Nikki was born. Then postpartum hit, and the roller coaster of anger/sadness behind it. 11 Months for that time. I have to make it the year. If I can make it one year then I can make it 13 months, then 14...

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming....."