Monday, May 25, 2009


I feel as though this time in my life is here, not for a reason, but here to force a change upon me. I have been having a series of mini break downs over the past few weeks. I feel slightly better after a crying bout but not better as to deal with new stress.

My best friend is going through court issues and I do not hear from her for more than once every two weeks. After two years another friend, living in an existence in which she could barely be herself or tap into creativity, moved away and I do hear from her once a week, it just is so sad. I miss them both, but it is part of the change I must go through.

I have to learn to become stronger to the point of completely on my own. Emotionally and mentally. My husband was hurt a year ago this month, part of his injury or side effect, is a short term memory that is near gone. I can talk about (insert topic here) we will have a full fledged discussion about (topic) BUT when I start on said (topic) he becomes irate because he has no idea why I am doing whatever I am doing. This is less than 24 hours after we spoke about (topic). This behavior is not normal for him. It would take him about a month to forget a topic.

Or he has developed a split personality- one is happy with whatever I do, the other wants to control little bits of everything I do. But then he turns around and tells me to do whatever I want. After we argued over the shade of blue for my kitchen, he demanded that I paint my walls pale blue and two days later when I showed him some paint chips, he asked me why I was asking him. It is your kitchen do what you want.

After months of yelling at him which is degenerating our healing relationship, I started crying. So now twice a week I am crying over inane topics, which I rarely did before. It is highly irritating. But I know each time I break down I should become stronger.

Or so I hope. I know he might have another year to work and after that he is going to have to become disabled or have surgery for the bulging disc in his neck. The headaches and pain are almost too much for him even on pills.

So being unable to control the pain he is going through on a daily basis or much of anything else except when the bills get paid, I have developed some OCD issues.

1) I want my yard, gardens and shed to be completely streamlined and clean. This is a LARGE task considering my gardens went for two years without any cultivation. Don't get me started on the shed.

2) I seem to have flipped from darker colors to brights, borderline annoying. But something in my brain just keeps going back to bright blues, bright purple, and lime greens. I think it is my body's way of fighting depression.(these are the kitchen colors)

3)Even if it is not my stuff I want to organize it. That is scary because I do not recall being like this before or if I was, not to this level.

The artist that dwelled inside but only exposed itself in doodles has blasted it's way to the fore and is just "artisting" everything I am working on. My grandfather has an arc welder and I am collecting silverware to tack weld into people, cities, fences--etc. And I am collecting broken tools to make Tool People for my gardens.

I have not written in two months, I think I am taking a break. I will probably send some stuff off for short stories but Ava has to be completely rewritten from the ground up. Which is annoying. I know why I am having a hard time writing, just like with playing pool; I cannot write unless I am smoking and since I quit I am stuck in limbo until I learn to write without cigarettes.

I still have stories swirling in the muck. But getting 3 hours to write without a two year old bugging is impossible when your housemate/ other half is doped up. It is bugging me that I have not worked on Ava since last January, she was an incredible story for me to put together and only being half done is annoying.

I hate having ADD. Even on meds I still screw up and don't finish. Even on meds I still cannot get the whole story out of my head.

Mix the OCD with ADD and certain projects take over, I must finish them before I can start something else. This last week I have fought not painting my kitchen and lost. It was all I could think about until I got up, painted the damn wall and then,only then was I able to sit and finish a water color.

I think this is part of me breaking down. I have to break down certain barriers in order to become the person I wish I could be. I am envious of women who can match their clothes and accessorize. I have no idea how to fix my hair or how to wear certain jewelry, do not get me started on shoes. I am clueless. So I have enlisted an old friend of mine to help me this fall. She is going to help me shop.

So in a sense to me I am growing up, finally at 29 years old I have figured out who I am and what I want to do with my life. Now all I have to do is change a few things and go.

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