My Awesome Book

 

This is the math book my mom found at the flea market. I bought them for her but they wound up being for me so she bought the radio for me. It is from 1877. It is 130 years old.

I love the tables and converstion charts. Everyday I find something new. And ironically, I absolutely suck at math, but after reviewing the basic section I was able to balance the checkbook today without a calculator. The rules and how the math is explained makes more sense then what I learned in school.

Fabric From Spoonflower

How awesome is this fabric??? It is hands down the perfect curtain for my kitchen.



This would be funny for my bathroom or as a skirt...I think they are called Lola skirts, all flowing and long. I used to call them hippie skirts. Think I will start working on how to sew one this month. I like gardening barefoot and having a long skirt just makes it much better.



This would be fun for Nikki for a dress since she ate her first plate of calamari this weekend!!

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So, I took a HUGE leap. I turned in one of my designs, tweaked it and bought a test swatch. If I like it then it will on to the site. I am crossing my fingers.

Two Weeks

In two weeks, give or take a few days, Feb 28th to be exact, will be one year of no smoking.

This has been some of the hardest months since I quit that I have gone thru. Cigarette smoke makes the cravings hit hard, so hard I get sick and start shaking. But I keep walking past where ever the smoke is stemming. Some days I cover my nose and mouth with my hand encased in my jacket sleeve.

I hold my breath.

I keep walking.

I feel like crying.

Finally, I am in my truck.

I turn the radio up as loud as my remaining speakers can handle it. I just sit and close my eyes.

Then I am better. I can concentrate, I can drive, and I can get far away from that damn intoxicating aroma.

It is not so much that I hate smoking or smokers, I feel just the opposite, they have the freedom to make the choice to smoke. I made the choice to quit. Now I am enforcing that choice and testing my will daily. I am not angry with smokers.

I am irritated that on my one year anniversary for my hospital stay, ironically- the pain meds is the reason I was able to quit, I could not feel the withdraws ; at the one year anniversary cigarettes are on my mind almost every single hour.

I cannot/will not smoke again because I cannot just smoke one or two cigarettes a day, I always move up to a full pack a day. I smoked for almost 10 years. I quit the day I found out I was pregnant, made it thru until it was late October of the year Nikki was born. Then postpartum hit, and the roller coaster of anger/sadness behind it. 11 Months for that time. I have to make it the year. If I can make it one year then I can make it 13 months, then 14...

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming....."

One year Ago

One year ago, I felt sick.

One year ago, I weighed 230 plus lbs, size 18(stained).

One year ago, I had stomach pains after eating or picking up anything more than 5 lbs.

One year ago, I was hours from death, my kidneys were shutting down, my liver was shutting down. I acutely wanted to die to escape the pain. My gallbladder had stones and one slipped over to my pancreas to clog a duct. I had acute pancreatitus and gallbladder inflammation. I threw up green ooze, morphine helped for 15 min and I was screaming again. I had one surgery to unclog my pancreas, then another surgery to remove my gallbladder. Which caused my pancreas to flare up again.
I spent 8 days in the hospital, had four docs tell me three different things, and none connected after 3 days that I was going to freak out because my antidepressants wore off. I had an intravenous shot every three hours of Duladin (strong pain killer) for 8 days.


Outcome in a year- I have lost 37 lbs, down to a 12 (I fit into a 10 yesterday!!!!) My cycles are regular for the first time in my life. (TMI!!) I can run/jog for 5 min without throwing up and almost blacking out. It took six months to reconnect my brain on how to cook-- for whatever reason the massive painkillers scrambled up allot of stuff, it took allot of hard work and tears because I kept burning things and forgetting damn near everything.
Unfortunately, not having a gallbladder means I had to adjust my eating habits. The doctors or anyone else in my life forgot to say that any fresh fruit or vegetables will shoot thru you at the speed of light. Caffeine, sugar, salt, dairy, anything with spices had the same effect. During the summer I lost allot of nutrtion and felt very sick again. But I figured out what was wrong and adjusted my eating again and rather pissed off about it.

The art in my head finally found a way out. It filled my house and is currently in suspension due mainly to the fact we have to level the kitchen before I can finish the cabinets and east wall. The plaster cracking is driving me insane.

I am just being lazy on my cabinet in the bathroom.I am mainly stalled on that because I cannot get my copper plate (17 gauge) to make the sink, and I don't want to work on the rest of it until I have my sink.

I have drawn and redrawn lines in the sand with my husband. He used to be the dominate force in the house and the roles have switched. I am resentful that I feel like I am the only adult. But I don't work. It is an annoying contradiction that I think 90% of women would give their left arm to have this situation. It still irritates me.
I have learned that jewelry gets on my nerves because for the amount he spent on the necklace I could have gotten 1.7 carats of London blue saffires and 3 ounces of silver. Just get me the raw materials and I will be a happy, happy girl. For months!! So we have an understanding for Valentines day this year-- he takes me out to dinner this weekend so we don't have to deal with the crowds next weekend. But I get him tools and he gets me the tools for the jewelry/metalworking that I need/desire/ desperately wish to own. And he gives me two IOUs for the rose plants I want to replace the ones my {idiot} dogs destroyed.

In a year we have fought more than in the last 10, we have missed each other more than when I was stuck in MT an extra week due the cat attack in 08. And we are in the same house. We have both changed severely and rapidly and have yet to know if the changes will break us or not. Hopefully not. Even at my angriest I still feel hopeful about the future. Odd, considering I used to be the most pessimistic/ sarcastic person and now a chirpy abit sarcastic/bitchy cheerleader is pushing her way into my psyche.

But yet, I feel that we will be fine. My artwork, while self taught, will continue to improve. My daughter will grow faster than I can keep up. My stepson will demand to be treated like an adult ... until I hand him rent notice. Sorry dude, adults pay bills, you want freedom, I want my cable paid. My husband will be the same, I think surgery will have to be an option. His head aches are coming back rather hard.

Wow, I actually yawned. I think it is time.

oh oh oh oh

AWESOME!!!

I am totally html ignorant and am now figuring out how to add widgets and what not.... *does happy dance*

Truce

It is better. For now.

I am still keeping the house clean but only because they are doing their part. None of the stuff is laying around, no muddy boots, no clothes, all work/school stuff is put up and the dishes are being rinsed off and neatly stacked in the sink.

I feel like I am in the twilight zone. Sadly, now that the house is clean my mind is a little less uncluttered. I am slowly setting a routine for the day. Anyone who knows me, knows i cannot keep a routine to save my life. I cannot even fold my clothes the same way twice.

He is paying closer attention and pulling himself out of his depression. Maybe this crappy horrid weekend is what we needed to snap the relationship back onto track and out of the mire it was in. Or maybe it is a stalemate.Maybe this is just relationship normalacy.
He took me driftwood hunting twice, and found some awesome pieces that were part of an anthill-- the ants actually destroyed the tree from the inside out. The bark was intact but the inside was nothing but tunnels.

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I am still angry deep down, he says he doesn't mean what he said but that does not stop the high irritation, hurt and anger. It just cycles round. Most days I ignore it. Is that repressing it or is that delusional emotional therapy? He prolly feels the same.
Enough. My daughter is more important than either of us, she needs me home so she is not stuck in an overpriced, MRSA filled daycare. I have decided that I am going to keep it clean for her and I.

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My comp was frying slowly and surely down the drain. It took 15 min to start up and 10 min to shut down. I did not have the time to try and uninstall my OS and reinstall. Mainly because I have no clue as to what I would be doing and i have way to much other stuff to go on during the day/night to try it. My mom took it over and I asked her to keep it another day or two while the weather sucked arse.
When I went out there today she showed me what she had done. Not only wiped it clean but bought windows 7 for me and had it up and installed. I was just shocked and out of my skin happy.
I am using FireFox instead of IE8. It is less cluttered. Windows 7 is much simpler and has allot less crap programs so it can give me room to buy the art programs I want instead of having to use the freeware. Art Rage is awesome. I tried the demo and just love the hell out of it. For my birthday I am going to get a Bamboo to use for painting and sketching.(hopefully)

Thanks you for your comments on my last post. For the Hugs and the DUH reality check.