OY

Holy cow, it has been crazy few months.
I finally broke down completely. In three weeks I moved out of our house. This time I left to escape the non stop drama that seems to follow us everywhere and anywhere we go. I just wanted to have peace and quiet. Which did not happen.
I have been shaking for about 8 months, due to stress and trying to hold myself together. I felt like a failure because I felt I could not measure up to other people that seem so blissfully content with family drama. I felt I could not do anything right, no matter how hard I tried, I felt guilt because I could not be who I thought I needed to be.
Guilt is something I am not accustomed to feeling. I do what I know is right therefore the little nagging thoughts of "what if's" could be ignored. I did not acknowledge anything that I felt was unsure. Doing that has buried allot of feelings and hurt way deep inside. It made me respond to situations differently and not honestly with myself.
I was not honest to myself.

I lied to myself.

I made myself feel different than what I would have naturally.

I fought my own nature.

I broke myself down.

2011 Hyundai Sonata

I got a new car. It is the first one in my life that is brand new. The other four vehicles were hand me downs from my mom. The newest one was a 1995 Mazda Protege. I am passing it down to my niece when she gets done with her finals for second year in college.

The new car is the 2011 Hyundai Sonata. I love it. It has A/C which I have not had in five years in the southeast Texas heat. All the speakers work! The windows roll down! And the trunk space is spectacular.The mileage is awesome for highway driving. Running errands in stop and go traffic isn't all the great but I am complaining about 31 MPG for stop and go traffic. I set the cruise and ECO button on highway.
The Sonata has Shiftronic which means I can put it into standard and city running I get about the same mileage doing 35 or 40 on the back roads.
It is comfortable on long trips. My mom, NikNak, and I went to Montana to visit family. From my mom's house to my aunt's house was 1790 miles. I spent 250 dollars in gas. Ninety percent of the trip was fighting northern wind and doing about 80 mph. I still got 35 mpg doing 80 mph uphill. I am very impressed with the takeoff and handling. The brakes respond amazingly, especially when NikNak took off her seat belt and tried to pop into the front seat while I was driving. She did not take her seat belt off again. :)
It handled the snow in Montana very well. Especially since I have never driven in snow before. Everything in and on the car is stock. Including tax,title, and license I paid under 22K. I am very glad I did not get the Turbo or my license would have been revoked by now. It hits 80 like nothing I have ever driven, except a friend's car which was a Pontiac 1996 or 97.
In two and a half months of owning this car I have seven thousand miles on it. I still love it. Even looking at it makes me grin and want to wash it.

Kanvus

I got a Kanvus art tablet to plug into my laptop. I love it allot. It has opened up quiet a few art doors for me to explore. And I don't have to worry about Nikki dumping my water out when I get up to do something else.

Time, and time again.

Nikki is growing up so fast it is unreal. She is cognitive enough that she can pick up the topic of an offhand conversation, figure out what you are talking about and call you out on it.

"When I was little we used to gum in the end of straws...."- my neighbor
" Don't finish that sentence!"- me
"Why? She isn't listening."- My husband.

I got nailed in the head with a rolled piece of paper projected thru a straw by my three year old.

I love dearly that she is so damn smart, but some days I wish she would slow down. Just a little bit and give me time to catch up. Or breathe.

Time to go go play. :)

Sleeping Warmly

Nikki is spending the night at her Grandma's tonight. I was going thru my photos and realized with a start that I miss her. This is the photo. She will not go to sleep without her Kitty. This is a rare photo since Donald got hurt. He stiffens up and gets extreme pain in his shoulders and arms when he stays still for a half hour. But he did not want to move because his baby girl was comfortable.

Arrrrrt Work!!!

Baby Cradle

My nephew/niece in law are about to have their second child, Brock, on Monday. We don't have much in monetary to give them but I do have allot of wood (another story). So I enlisted the help of my neighbor who has a shop with almost near every wood working device ever made and I was armed with a fuzzy printout on how to build a baby cradle. Unless you have worked wood before the printout is written in gibberish and NOT in step by step. But it was the only one that I could find online for free.
My neighbor did most of the work but I learned an incredible amount and how to use a belt sander, scroll saw, nail gun, the tilt on a table saw, and a paint sprayer. It takes 45 min to clean a paint sprayer. Unless I am painting my house I will never use one again. *smiles*  I made the rockers, one has a slight flat spot. When the cradle rocks on cement or wood floor it sounds like a heart beat when it hits the flat spot.

The paint is a latex enamel for wood. It should last three or four kids before it needs to be repainted. The wood is 3/4 in pre- sanded plywood that is made for cabinets.

I'm Baaaaaack!!!

It has been forever. I have been busy, crazy, and busy some more. This was a plain white eyeglass case and my friend asked me to "Please please, do your thing!"

Annoyance and More

Time to rant.

Things are less than peachy. They are downright baffling to me. While I have know for a long time that I was either pretending to be happy or I had bouts of acceptance that made me believe I was happy. Either one is true and false at the same instant. I knew that I loathed the life I was living, the life that I had made myself mold to make someone think I was happy. Or that someone just did not have a deeper intellect or caring of what was going on outside his three foot personal space. I don't know. I do know that I was led to believe that I was wrong in feeling restless or wanting more for myself, that I was somehow messed up for feeling that I needed to go to school to learn a trade because it can wait and I need to be home for my stepson or we did not have the money. Wait. Wait. Wait.

I caved and started smoking again. We had several discussions about the topic and the next day he finds the cig butts and has an all out fit about them. We had a giant row over the fact I was smoking and how we could not afford it. I had to get him to understand that being a parent to him, his child, and my daughter with no release of stress was coming out as losing my temper over the stupidest things. So he accepted the smoking. I can only take so much medication before I am just another pill head. Plus the fact that on the drugs my thinking slows down to a pitiful rate and I have a three year old. I cannot be a zoned out mother, she would grow up to Dora raising her during the day and sitcoms at night. It is unacceptable.

Now we skip to two weeks later. He is in more and more pain. I fear it is nerve damage in his neck, the back muscles are spasming hourly, he is constantly on muscle relaxers and pain pills. The muscle relaxers change his personality to where I really cannot say how he is going to react to anything. The next day his mind is wiped blank from the day before and we have the same conversations over and over again. But each time it is a different conclusion. He only focuses on two or three words out of a sentence and suddenly blows up over those words.

Today, for instance, he gets a hard tone in his voice and it pisses me off because I feel like I am a teenager getting lectured. I get a tone back and then he starts in on me because I tell him not to raise his voice at me. He flips, and starts actually yelling at me, with the classic and cliche line of  " That wasn't yelling, THIS IS YELLING AT YOU"
It was over the fact that I forget that people asks simple questions in a nice tone when they are actually baiting a hook and when you answer wrong, but honestly, they flip out. I should have been more guarded and not been relaxed. Sad, I know. We were about to drive past a discount tobacco place that he gets his snuff at and I asked him if he wanted to stop and get our nicotine.
"our nicotine, huh?"
"yeah."
"What, you want a carton?"
"I dunno, I guess. Do you think it would be cheaper?"
"Just how many packs are you up to a day now?" --This is when the tone started, deeper bass, harder edged words.
"I am not up to any packs a day. Don't yell at me."
" I am not yelling at you. Why the fuck do you want a carton then?"
"Stop yelling at me. I don't want a carton. You brought it up."
"Why do you want a carton? Why are you getting so defensive with me about this?"
"Stop yelling. Just go in and get you shit and I will get my shit later"
He peals out of the parking lot.
"I am not yelling at you, THIS IS YELLING AT YOU! DO YOU WANT ME TO YELL AT YOU?"


I shut down and stop talking, and now it is my fault because I threw " little fit and went crying to your fucking mama's house". I stayed at the house for three more hours after that, at the end of the three hours I went to him to try and even things out and he wouldn't look at me. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone and he told me yes. I asked him for how long and he said he did not know. So I packed up my art stuff and my kid and left for my mom's. He never said a word. I think he wanted me to leave. I think he wants me to leave. So it will be my fault and he will not look bad for kicking his wife and three year old out of the house.

In my defense I have only stayed at my mom's house when we were fighting twice in the 10 years we have been together. The rest of the fights, I stayed and fought it out or stayed and suffered the silence and coldness. Either way I never ran off or ignored the fact he existed and watched TV for hours/days on end. I tried. I really actually tried.

I even tried calling later (conditioning) and he was flippant when I told him that I was staying at my mom's. Do you not care? No. You always get to do whatever you want, so what does it matter how I feel? You throw your little hissy
Ah, that is right. I forgot I never ever try and stay at the house and work things out with you. I always run the fuck off.
yeah, you do.

It is like arguing with someone that is bi polar-- they have no recollection whatso ever of what they say. He is the same way. He will say whatever he wants to win the argument. And the more hurtful and untrue the faster it will fly out of his mouth.
The sad thing is, I just realized this about 2 weeks ago. How sad is that? Now what the hell do I choose?
Left or right?

Later at night, I find my daughter is asleep, i have time on my hands, my husband is either drug induced sleep or  hurting so much that my touch is unbearable to him. So I putter around on the internet, grasping at things that interest me at one point in time but I do not have the drive to accomplish them.
The toll takes a long and harder hit on me at night. Sleep is an odd thing. One night I will sleep so soundlessly and other nights I am plauged by nightmares or dreams that are so intense and real that they wake me up and feel like memories that happened right then.
They bug me the most because they cause the what if's to rear it's ugly head up. The nightmares I am used to, I have had them since I was small and only do I have a dreamless sleep when I am on medication. which means I do no artwork either.
Pick the lesser evil. I'll deal with the nightmares to be creative.I just can't deal with the feeling of crying late at night. I hate crying more than most so I bottle it up. I really should stop doing that.

pppffffffffttttttttt

It has been way to long since I have posted anything.
I find myself wishing I had taken a different path many years ago and it is really grating on my mind. The what if's bear down and make life that should be happy almost saddening unbearable.
Let go and live, right? What you have now you should be able to accept and be happy. But the tears well up and just haunt right behind my eyes, close up my throat and make me want to scream. I wish I could split in two so the other me can run off and find her heart while this me would be happy without the what if's.

I hate depression.

Hy husband's head injury seemed to flutter away for awhile and now in the last week suddenly his short term memory is shot to hell again. And I mean 6 hours.
Everyday I have the same conversations with him, over a range of topics and each topic he will come to a different conclusion.
I caved after our last fight and bought a pack of cigs, it took two days before I would open them. I told him right off the bat so we could skip the whole "you betrayed me" accusations. The next day he found some butts I had in a cup (WTF was he looking in the bottom of a trash cup anyway) on the patio and he asked whose they were.
It suddenly dawned on me that I am having an affair with his alter ego. That is the only way I can explain how one day he is so accepting of things and the next day refuses to speak to me at all because he found out I am smoking again. And then he can;t understand why I am upset.
I am having a make believe relationship. You cannot remember day to day so what is the point of even trying. What is the point of even caring anymore? Why am I still here? Is it because I still care or is just fear of change?
Maybe if I start writing again i will feel better and get confusions out of my head.
So feel free to ignore the drama writing over the next month or so, I don't mind, I am trying to get the pathways in  my mind cleared so maybe I can think and remember clearly again.

Fair

I love the fair. Mainly for the rides and the adrenaline rush of spinning around upside down at night. It is just great to giggle that much while a kid a screaming next to you that he is going to be sick. I have also been know to howl throughout the entire ride. Make beeping noises when they go backwards, and only scream on the way down because I am actually screaming at the people standing around the ride.

Good times.

Nikki's medicine has sped her up so I am going to update more tomorrow!

Really? It's been a month??

It's been almost a month since I posted?? Holy cow.

In my drama style, I am feeling better and we are keeping the pace of having a grand fight on the 20th. It was stupid and buried under the rug (to fester)...:) Cig smoke still bothers me, and that is beyond aggravating.

Anyway- still working on the Driftwood artwork series. I have three more pieces and the next one will be the large pendulum piece. Now that I have figured out how to make if stable it will work so much better.

 

Don't mind the blinding white skin, even after tanning four times this year I am still pale as...well, a ghost. haha.

I dyed purple streaks in my hair.  I wanted them darker so they would be more distinct, this was a dyed twice job and while the are screaming purple, it just was not what I had in mind. I am going to try again in April.

My fabric!!!

My Awesome Book

 

This is the math book my mom found at the flea market. I bought them for her but they wound up being for me so she bought the radio for me. It is from 1877. It is 130 years old.

I love the tables and converstion charts. Everyday I find something new. And ironically, I absolutely suck at math, but after reviewing the basic section I was able to balance the checkbook today without a calculator. The rules and how the math is explained makes more sense then what I learned in school.

Fabric From Spoonflower

How awesome is this fabric??? It is hands down the perfect curtain for my kitchen.



This would be funny for my bathroom or as a skirt...I think they are called Lola skirts, all flowing and long. I used to call them hippie skirts. Think I will start working on how to sew one this month. I like gardening barefoot and having a long skirt just makes it much better.



This would be fun for Nikki for a dress since she ate her first plate of calamari this weekend!!

++++++++++++++++
So, I took a HUGE leap. I turned in one of my designs, tweaked it and bought a test swatch. If I like it then it will on to the site. I am crossing my fingers.

Two Weeks

In two weeks, give or take a few days, Feb 28th to be exact, will be one year of no smoking.

This has been some of the hardest months since I quit that I have gone thru. Cigarette smoke makes the cravings hit hard, so hard I get sick and start shaking. But I keep walking past where ever the smoke is stemming. Some days I cover my nose and mouth with my hand encased in my jacket sleeve.

I hold my breath.

I keep walking.

I feel like crying.

Finally, I am in my truck.

I turn the radio up as loud as my remaining speakers can handle it. I just sit and close my eyes.

Then I am better. I can concentrate, I can drive, and I can get far away from that damn intoxicating aroma.

It is not so much that I hate smoking or smokers, I feel just the opposite, they have the freedom to make the choice to smoke. I made the choice to quit. Now I am enforcing that choice and testing my will daily. I am not angry with smokers.

I am irritated that on my one year anniversary for my hospital stay, ironically- the pain meds is the reason I was able to quit, I could not feel the withdraws ; at the one year anniversary cigarettes are on my mind almost every single hour.

I cannot/will not smoke again because I cannot just smoke one or two cigarettes a day, I always move up to a full pack a day. I smoked for almost 10 years. I quit the day I found out I was pregnant, made it thru until it was late October of the year Nikki was born. Then postpartum hit, and the roller coaster of anger/sadness behind it. 11 Months for that time. I have to make it the year. If I can make it one year then I can make it 13 months, then 14...

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming....."

One year Ago

One year ago, I felt sick.

One year ago, I weighed 230 plus lbs, size 18(stained).

One year ago, I had stomach pains after eating or picking up anything more than 5 lbs.

One year ago, I was hours from death, my kidneys were shutting down, my liver was shutting down. I acutely wanted to die to escape the pain. My gallbladder had stones and one slipped over to my pancreas to clog a duct. I had acute pancreatitus and gallbladder inflammation. I threw up green ooze, morphine helped for 15 min and I was screaming again. I had one surgery to unclog my pancreas, then another surgery to remove my gallbladder. Which caused my pancreas to flare up again.
I spent 8 days in the hospital, had four docs tell me three different things, and none connected after 3 days that I was going to freak out because my antidepressants wore off. I had an intravenous shot every three hours of Duladin (strong pain killer) for 8 days.


Outcome in a year- I have lost 37 lbs, down to a 12 (I fit into a 10 yesterday!!!!) My cycles are regular for the first time in my life. (TMI!!) I can run/jog for 5 min without throwing up and almost blacking out. It took six months to reconnect my brain on how to cook-- for whatever reason the massive painkillers scrambled up allot of stuff, it took allot of hard work and tears because I kept burning things and forgetting damn near everything.
Unfortunately, not having a gallbladder means I had to adjust my eating habits. The doctors or anyone else in my life forgot to say that any fresh fruit or vegetables will shoot thru you at the speed of light. Caffeine, sugar, salt, dairy, anything with spices had the same effect. During the summer I lost allot of nutrtion and felt very sick again. But I figured out what was wrong and adjusted my eating again and rather pissed off about it.

The art in my head finally found a way out. It filled my house and is currently in suspension due mainly to the fact we have to level the kitchen before I can finish the cabinets and east wall. The plaster cracking is driving me insane.

I am just being lazy on my cabinet in the bathroom.I am mainly stalled on that because I cannot get my copper plate (17 gauge) to make the sink, and I don't want to work on the rest of it until I have my sink.

I have drawn and redrawn lines in the sand with my husband. He used to be the dominate force in the house and the roles have switched. I am resentful that I feel like I am the only adult. But I don't work. It is an annoying contradiction that I think 90% of women would give their left arm to have this situation. It still irritates me.
I have learned that jewelry gets on my nerves because for the amount he spent on the necklace I could have gotten 1.7 carats of London blue saffires and 3 ounces of silver. Just get me the raw materials and I will be a happy, happy girl. For months!! So we have an understanding for Valentines day this year-- he takes me out to dinner this weekend so we don't have to deal with the crowds next weekend. But I get him tools and he gets me the tools for the jewelry/metalworking that I need/desire/ desperately wish to own. And he gives me two IOUs for the rose plants I want to replace the ones my {idiot} dogs destroyed.

In a year we have fought more than in the last 10, we have missed each other more than when I was stuck in MT an extra week due the cat attack in 08. And we are in the same house. We have both changed severely and rapidly and have yet to know if the changes will break us or not. Hopefully not. Even at my angriest I still feel hopeful about the future. Odd, considering I used to be the most pessimistic/ sarcastic person and now a chirpy abit sarcastic/bitchy cheerleader is pushing her way into my psyche.

But yet, I feel that we will be fine. My artwork, while self taught, will continue to improve. My daughter will grow faster than I can keep up. My stepson will demand to be treated like an adult ... until I hand him rent notice. Sorry dude, adults pay bills, you want freedom, I want my cable paid. My husband will be the same, I think surgery will have to be an option. His head aches are coming back rather hard.

Wow, I actually yawned. I think it is time.

oh oh oh oh

AWESOME!!!

I am totally html ignorant and am now figuring out how to add widgets and what not.... *does happy dance*

Truce

It is better. For now.

I am still keeping the house clean but only because they are doing their part. None of the stuff is laying around, no muddy boots, no clothes, all work/school stuff is put up and the dishes are being rinsed off and neatly stacked in the sink.

I feel like I am in the twilight zone. Sadly, now that the house is clean my mind is a little less uncluttered. I am slowly setting a routine for the day. Anyone who knows me, knows i cannot keep a routine to save my life. I cannot even fold my clothes the same way twice.

He is paying closer attention and pulling himself out of his depression. Maybe this crappy horrid weekend is what we needed to snap the relationship back onto track and out of the mire it was in. Or maybe it is a stalemate.Maybe this is just relationship normalacy.
He took me driftwood hunting twice, and found some awesome pieces that were part of an anthill-- the ants actually destroyed the tree from the inside out. The bark was intact but the inside was nothing but tunnels.

******************
I am still angry deep down, he says he doesn't mean what he said but that does not stop the high irritation, hurt and anger. It just cycles round. Most days I ignore it. Is that repressing it or is that delusional emotional therapy? He prolly feels the same.
Enough. My daughter is more important than either of us, she needs me home so she is not stuck in an overpriced, MRSA filled daycare. I have decided that I am going to keep it clean for her and I.

******************

My comp was frying slowly and surely down the drain. It took 15 min to start up and 10 min to shut down. I did not have the time to try and uninstall my OS and reinstall. Mainly because I have no clue as to what I would be doing and i have way to much other stuff to go on during the day/night to try it. My mom took it over and I asked her to keep it another day or two while the weather sucked arse.
When I went out there today she showed me what she had done. Not only wiped it clean but bought windows 7 for me and had it up and installed. I was just shocked and out of my skin happy.
I am using FireFox instead of IE8. It is less cluttered. Windows 7 is much simpler and has allot less crap programs so it can give me room to buy the art programs I want instead of having to use the freeware. Art Rage is awesome. I tried the demo and just love the hell out of it. For my birthday I am going to get a Bamboo to use for painting and sketching.(hopefully)

Thanks you for your comments on my last post. For the Hugs and the DUH reality check.